Don't die!

There are moments in life that I am just tired. For no apparent reason I am just exhausted. This was the case last night, I was just wiped so...I went to bed. But after the evening routine, I couldn't sleep. My eyes could barely stay open, but I still couldn't fall asleep. It was ridiculous! I ran through the normal routine: counted sheep, lay really really still for ages, and tried to dream about dreaming. It just wasn't working. So I went back to something that I learned in a Stress Management class I took a few years back. Meditation.  

Now if you ever get an opportunity to take a class like this..DO IT!!!! It has been a wonderful tool that I have used many times, and honestly I should focus on stress management daily. It would help me with the daily random problems of life.  

There are tons of things that I learned about that I will eventually talk about, but today I want to talk about meditation.

During my class, we would talk about the function of meditation on the neural pathways, which is fascinating. However, pretty much every time I geek out about these things my roommates just look at me with “the face”. It means that no normal human would find this interesting, so I won’t bore you with the details. Let’s just say...science, science, better! Here is a brief summary of the science. Stress hormones are very important for our ability to react in dangerous situations. We need to be able to run away if a alligator is in pursuit, but if these hormones are floating around all the time they do damage to cells. So chronic stress is not good for our bodies. It can increase relative risk for many diseases as well as death. So if you want to live keep reading. It is very important to prepare yourself for daily stresses, so that you can be in control of the stress response.

I have tried to meditate before with little success, because I was doing it all wrong. I am sure when you read the word meditate this came to mind. 

(By the way, the finger thing...here is the real deal. You close your eyes and try to get your thumb and middle finger as close a possible without touching. Try it, it is HARD. But you totally forget your stresses!)

Weird chanting and poses...yep nope. That is not what mediation is really about.

Most of us do not know how to properly mediate. I would try so hard think of nothing, but that NEVER worked. I am pretty sure it is impossible. Meditation is not the lack of thought, it is an active process to choose something on which to focus on. There are many different types of meditation, some that focus on breathing or muscle relaxation. Try out a few and see what you like! I would suggest to start with a recording to get the feel for it and then you can learn how to do it on your own. BYU has a whole page (click here...do it!)devoted to different recordings, which means that it is important. I really enjoy the progressive muscle relaxation, which prompts you to tense your muscles. You hold the tension for a few seconds, then release. After you release the muscle you can really feel the tension leave. Each time you do this, you feel more and more calm. It is MARVELOUS!

I also love the body scan, which helps you relax by focusing on muscle groups. Just consciously thinking about the muscle. It is amazing to realize how much we have going on in the body that we don’t think about! Aren't we so cool?!?

I suggest that once a day or even twice a day you take some time to meditate. Make it a priority to shut the door and be by yourself. This allows your body to restore and prepare for the daily stresses that you will encounter. Practice the techniques, so that when you find yourself overwhelmed you can use these tools to relax. Focus on your breath to calm down. Just actively breath, count the breaths gradually slowing them.

Now if you feel stupid doing this, just don’t! I know that at first it feels weird, trust me. When I learned this stuff I was on the floor in a class...with people...and boys! However, with time it will become more normal.

Don't die, meditate! In the comments below tell me what you tried and what you thought! 

                                                                       

Don't tell my Mom I wrote this blog...

I cannot talk about my development of my self-esteem without talking about my Mom. She is not a perfect person, but she is wonderful. She impacted myself in many ways.

What my Mom did that changed my life:

Ignored Me
She always made time to exercise and do things that she loved to do. I remember a group of women getting together in my living room and exercising to Jane Fonda (really great outfits in those videos). She also would go to the gym to exercise and would leave me in the day care. I didn't always want to go, but she just let me whine and did it anyway. After a while I made friends and I still have friends from that day care.

Showed her love
Sometimes we feel silly when we constantly express our love to people. Let me give you an example of a conversation I had with Trevor yesterday.

Now it is true, it was totally random. But that is okay! My Mother always told me that she loved me. This is the single most defining thing in my life. I don't want to shock anyone, but I am over weight...hopefully you are all still conscious.  I have been for most of my life and sometimes kids are just plan mean. I got teased and picked on in school. I knew that the world equated thinness with beauty. I struggled to understand where I fit into this world of ours, but I always knew that my Mother loved me. I knew that she would love me even if the world didn't love me. I knew she would love me even if I didn't love myself. She helped me to see my own value as well as the value of those around me. She pointed out the good in others, which eventually helped me see how hard we are to ourselves.

Pushed Me
I remember one time I came down stairs and asked my Mother for a list of my weaknesses. Hahahahahahahahaha hahahahaha
I wanted to improve myself, but I couldn't think of anything. hahahahahaha
My Mom made a list! She did! She was honest, not harsh. She was forthright and told me the things that I could improve. After she gave me the list she told me a few things that I was doing well. She encouraged me, but she didn't baby me.

Believed in Me
To this day, my Mom is my #1 fan. She always encourages me to reach for the stars. Seriously, if I called her today and said I wanted to go to space she would find a way to help me do it. She always thought that I could do anything that I wanted to do. So I have done alot of things that I wouldn't have believed I could do. She supported me in my desires and really cared about things happening in my life.

Taught Me to be Strong
My Mom comes from a line of strong women and she was determined to continue the tradition. She told me fabulous stories about the strong women in our family. She taught me not to be easily offended. She taught me to work hard and to play hard. She taught me to find something to smile about even when everything goes wrong. She taught me to walk out my anger or punch a pillow (still used to this day). She taught me that love and kindness are strengths. She taught me to accept criticism.

Now I don't like to put people on pedestals, because I know it is uncomfortable up there. I am not perfect ( I could tell you stories...oh wait I already have), my parents aren't perfect, nor is anyone perfect. My Mom did her best to love me and encourage me to love myself and others. She had no way of knowing that I would become obsessed with self-esteem. She only did her finest to teach me how to navigate this crazy world.

Think back. Who ignored you, loved you, pushed you, and believed in you? Tell those people that made you strong, thank you.

Do you take time for yourself, love yourself, push yourself, and believe in yourself?
-This week do something for yourself: take a bath, paint your nails, go for a walk, or be creative.
-Push yourself to get out of your comfort zone: smile at a random stranger, apply for a job you don't think you will get, or make a new friend.

Thank you to all those who loved me, pushed me, ignored me, and believed in me. Thank you to all the strong women who have been examples to me. Thank you Mom!

  

Challenge 1: Optimism

Today began the 10 day Recapturing Beauty Challenge. This is an annual event put on by the BYU Women's Service and Resource Center. Each day has a challenge, today is optimism.  I find this rather ironic since yesterday was not a great Elaine Day. I didn't get enough stuff done and so this morning I got up super early to study. That went pretty well, but there still is so much for me to know before I have to take this exam. Plus I have a research paper, to more exams, and a silly project that must be done this week. I was feeling stupid and overwhelmed this morning, but then I opened my email and got the first challenge. Optimism.

I started this blog to discuss my experiences in the development of self-esteem, but I am no expert. I am just curious and willing to embarrass myself over the interwebs. Those of you who read this blog may be under the assumption that everyone else has got it together. You may think that you alone are drowning in struggles. You may be reading along and think, "why can't I get this? Why is it so hard to actually make progress? I am trying really hard to be the best me, but it doesn't seem to be working. I am trying and I do well for a while, but then I falter. I succumb to the pressures of the world and I cave to the sadness. I didn't even know that I should be sad, but something happens and I am suddenly overwhelmed. Sad and embarrassed. I should not care abut all of this...life is good and I am happy, dang it! But I don't feel happy in this moment, I just feel hopeless. I will never be popular, pretty, or whatever. Not only will I never be any of these things, I can't even stop caring about being these things!"

If this sounds like your inner mind, let me ease your worries. Obviously, this is not a new concept to me. As you read above I also feel hopeless some days. If you could listen to my phone calls with my siblings you would know that I am just like everybody else. I am riding the roller coaster of life and there are good days and bad days. I feel gloom and doom about once a week (you may think I am exaggerating, but I am not). I wake up and just feel like I am walking through grey jello. I am moving, but I never get anywhere. I spend 50% of my waking time thinking about how we can do better. How I can help young people develop healthy self-esteem. Yet about once a week I wake up and feel the terror. Thoughts whirl about my brain, "I am never going to get married! I have no clue what I am going to do with my life! I am not losing weight quickly! I am not really that smart!" Blah blah blah...on and on! Then I pull out the ice cream and the problem is compounded. I spiral down ward, because now that I am spooning thousands of calories into my mouth of course I am not going to lose weight. If I can't lose weight I will never be taken seriously as a wellness coach. If I am don't get a job as a wellness coach I will have to do something that I hate. If I can't do these simple things then why would anyone want to date me anyway. A few hours later, the flip side comes out...I start to get defensive. I think "I don't need to get married. I can be happy without that ball and chain. I don't need to lose weight, I am beautiful the way that I am. Who cares if I eat ice cream, everybody else gets to eat ice cream!" 

Then eventually I call someone and explain it all. After 30 minutes of whining and complaining the therapy session begins. Last time this happened, which was last week, my sister told me to stop thinking. I worry and worry about all these things that don't really make a difference. I can't change the world, but I can continue to change my world. I can go exercise each day, do my best in my classes, look for job opportunities for the future, and just go day by day. 

After these conversations, I am motivated to continue. I reevaluate how I could do better and make small changes that will help me to avoid problem behaviors. This is a very important facet of behavior change, if something isn't working then you have to change the method. Add more reward, change environment, or enlist others to help you succeed. I find the latter a very helpful hint and I did that last week. I asked a friend if she would help me to remember to participate in a specific behavior daily. I asked her to check up on me throughout the week. I haven't been perfect, but it is helpful to know that someone is looking out for me. 

You may wonder what all of this has to do with optimism, well in my crazy brain it works. Optimism doesn't mean that I expect perfection. It doesn't mean that I have to do everything right to be happy. It pretty much means that perfect is unreal and yet I find joy in the small successes. Yesterday was not a great for me, but I did get my partner his flippers in swim class, smile as some random girl that looked the same way I felt, and supported my roommate at her activity. I didn't make all the right choices, but I didn't make all the wrong ones either. 

(Perhaps not the best explanation, but I just thought this was super funny!) 

I just looked up optimism and according to google it means: hopefulness and confidence about the future or the successful outcome of something. I am hopeful that today will be better than yesterday. I am hopeful that when I let pressures get me down that it won't last too long. I am confident that I can bounce back with more determination. I am hopeful that I will succeed, one day at a time. I have confidence that I can make a difference in my own life. I have confidence in confidence alone. I have confidence in me. I have confidence in you!    

If you would like to join the 10 day challenge you can email wsr@byu.edu with your name and email address. Do it! It is really fun and rewarding!